Chapter Eighteen: This Can't Be Happening

As the next several months passed by, we all fell back into a more normal routine. The kids went off to school, I helped Chuck around the ranch during the day, and nights were spent helping the kids with homework.  Every once in a while I was asked by the movie execs to tweak the music for the movie but it wasn’t nearly as time consuming as before.

One day I was in the upstairs hallway when I felt like I was going to get sick. 

As I ran to the bathroom I tried to think what it was that I had eaten that could have made me so sick.  Throughout the day I kept getting sick and was confused why I was but no one else seemed to be feeling bad. I had no fever and we all ate the same food.  There was only one thing I could think of but it didn’t make any sense to me.

There’s no way. We’ve been careful for all these years, surely it’s got to be something else. I went over to the night stand and pulled open the drawer that had my pills. I sat there reading about how it is effective ninety-nine percent of the time. Ninety-nine, so I’m safe. I then got hit with another bought of nausea.  I decided to go to the store and buy a pregnancy test. Thankfully Chuck was out in the barn so he had no idea that I had been getting sick.  I poked my head into the barn and told Chuck that I needed to run to the store.

After rushing back home I ran up the stairs and locked myself in our bathroom. The kids would be home from school soon and I wanted to hurry and take the test before they got home.  I watched the window waiting for the negative sign I was sure was coming.  Instead, I saw a plus sign. It’s wrong! I’ll take another one and it will be right. But the next test and the one after that both came out positive.

I leaned against the wall of the bathroom and stood there in disbelief.

Why after all these years was I pregnant again? The twins were about to graduate from high school and Jeff was about to enter high school. How could Chuck and I even have another child?! I was over 40 years old?!  I’m going to have another baby…Once it finally sunk in, I started to feel excited. 

I was startled by a knock on the door. “Amanda, are you okay? The kids just got home and I didn’t see you downstairs.”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Umm…Chuck, can you give me a minute, I need to tell you something.” I stood there for a minute taking a couple of deep breaths. In the past, I would have been nervous about telling him I was pregnant but he had told me when I was pregnant with Jeff that he would never be upset that I was pregnant and about him becoming a dad again. I took another deep breath and walked into the bedroom.  Chuck was standing at the end of the bed and turned around when I came out.

“What’s up?”

“Well…I was feeling sick earlier today and I couldn’t figure out why.  It happened a couple times and I noticed no one else was feeling sick. We all ate the same things and there isn’t a stomach bug going around.”

“Are you okay? You should rest. Why don’t you lie down on the bed…”

“No Chuck, I’m not sick.”

“Well how can you be sure?”

“Because I took a pregnancy test.”

'

“What?!” He looked probably as shocked as I had been hours before. “You mean you’re pregnant?! How could this have happened?!”

“I was shocked too when I first found out. I mean, we’re both over forty and it’s been so long since we’ve had a baby. But I looked at the pill box and it says it’s ninety-nine percent effective. I guess we fell into that one percent.”

“This can’t be happening.” He said in an exasperated whisper.

“What do you mean this can’t be happening? I understand that you’re in shock, Chuck, but you’re almost acting like you’re unhappy about this.”

“Why would I be happy?! Don’t you remember what happened the last time, when Jeff was born? They told us that it wouldn’t be good for you to have any more children.  Who knows what could happen this time!”

“So are you saying that you’re upset that I’m pregnant, that you don’t want to be a dad again? Cause that’s what it sounds like, Chuck.” By this point our voices were raised and I was sure the kids could probably hear us.

“That’s not at all what I’m saying! How can you expect me to be happy that you’re pregnant when your health could be in danger?! I don’t want anything to happen to you!”

“You just said how can I expect you to be happy that I’m pregnant. You just admitted that you’re unhappy about it! What happened to the man that once told me that he would always be happy to hear I was pregnant; that he was going to be a dad again?!”

“That was before you had complications with the last delivery! Stop trying to twist my words Amanda! Why is it so hard for you to understand?! There’s a possibility that something could go wrong and I could lose you! I can’t handle that!”

“I just can’t believe that you’re standing here telling me that you’re upset about this?! What am I supposed to do?! I’m pregnant, I can’t take it back! Instead of being supportive and understanding, you’re standing here telling me how awful it is!”

“Amanda, that’s not…”

“Just get out Chuck.” I pointed toward the door.

I didn’t want to hear any more of what he had to say. As far as I was concerned he had made his feelings perfectly clear. He gave me a blank look and then turned away quickly. He flung the bedroom door open and then slammed it shut.  I walked over to the bed and sat down, crying.

 ***

 I went downstairs and saw the kids sitting in the family room. It was obvious from their expressions that they had heard what had happened. 

I didn’t know what to say to them. How could I; I didn’t even really understand what had just happened.  I figured I needed to say something to them, but Bridge spoke first.

“Is Mom really pregnant again?”

I was shocked by her bluntness “Yes, Bridge. But it’s not something to talk about right now.  We’ll all talk about it soon after your Mom feels better.”

“Did Mom really almost die because of me?” Jeff asked me with tears in his eyes.

I sighed. “Jeff, what happened to your Mom when you were born had nothing to do with you. She just had some complications during her pregnancy and delivery. I mean it, she’s fine isn’t she? Nothing is wrong with her now. “

“But what if something happens to her this time?” He asked me.

This was the hardest thing I had ever had to do as a father. How am I supposed to make them feel better when I, myself, am scared beyond belief of losing her. “Guys, she’ll be going to the doctor soon and if something’s wrong they’ll make sure she’s okay.  She may at some point have to rest but we’ll all be okay.” That seemed to make them feel better and they went into their rooms to do their homework.

I just told the biggest lie to my kids. I knew how hard the last pregnancy had been on her.  There were several minutes after Jeff was born that the doctor and nurses looked scared, so when they told us it would be better if she didn’t have any more children, I knew we had to do everything we could to keep that from happening.

The night passed on and Amanda never came out of the bedroom. I went up at one point to ask her if she wanted dinner, but she had fallen asleep.  The kids and I ate leftovers and after dinner they retreated back to their rooms. 

I went up to the bedroom and saw that she was still sleeping.  She was taking up most of the bed so I decided to sleep on one of the downstairs couches.  I changed clothes and headed downstairs.  It was a cold autumn night so I lit a fire and laid down on the couch.

I laid there thinking about our fight. Why did she get so upset? It’s like I tried to tell her, I’m scared, I don’t want anything to happen to her. Why couldn’t she understand that that’s what I was upset about.

I sighed. It was so confusing. How was I supposed to explain to her what I was feeling and thinking without her getting upset? It was all connected; I was scared that something bad might happen with her being pregnant again. Did that mean that I was upset over her being pregnant? I suppose in a way but under normal circumstances I’d be thrilled. But this wasn’t normal circumstances.

 ***

“Charlie, do you think Mom and Dad will be okay?” Jeff seemed to be concerned ever since Mom and Dad had fought earlier.  Once we were in our room he started asking questions.

“I think they’ll be okay. Just give them a couple of days to calm down.”

“But I’ve never heard them like that before. I mean they disagree sometimes but I’ve never heard them yell at each other like that.”  He made a good point, I had never heard them fight like that.

“I know, but it will be okay. You’ll see.  I think Dad just needs to think about things for a day or two and Mom’s got all those crazy pregnancy hormones going on. She just needs to calm down for a few days.”

“I hope nothing happens to Mom during this pregnancy. I’m kind of scared that something bad will happen.”

“Hey, kiddo, don’t think like that. Just remember what dad said about her going to the doctor and that we’ll all be okay.”

“I guess you’re right. I wonder if she’ll have a boy or girl. I vote for boy!”

“Yea, another baby brother would be cool. But I’d be okay with a baby sister too. We don’t have one of those.”

***

I woke up a couple mornings later with an aching back. I had slept on the couch every night since we had our argument. I had tried to return to our bedroom the next night but she made it perfectly clear that I wasn’t welcome. I had no idea what to do. Every time I tried to talk to her about it, she would get tears in her eyes and walk away.  The only words she’d really spoken to me was yesterday when she told me she had a doctor’s appointment today. It was also Jeff’s 13th birthday and the twins 17th birthday and we were going to have a small family celebration.  I was having a hard time believing that our youngest was going to be a teenager.

But he won’t be our youngest for long. The thought excited and scared me. Could I remember how to be a daddy of a newborn again? Then there was the whole realization that when this child turns eighteen I’ll be in my sixties.

I had never been in this situation before in our marriage. I was usually the one who comforted her and told her everything was going to be okay, because most of the time, I thought that.  This was different. I knew I needed to reassure her and be there for her, but I also knew that the whole time I put on the act of everything being okay, underneath I was going to be scared. More scared then I had ever been, but I needed to be brave for her.

Later that night we celebrated Jeff’s and the twins' birthday. She still refused to talk to me. She wouldn’t even stand near me.

We watched as the twins, and then Jeff blow out their candles but I couldn’t help but feel bad for them since their birthday was dampered by our not speaking to each other. 

As the kids were eating cake, I noticed her walk into the living room. I decided to follow her to once again try to talk to her. I walked into the room and saw her standing in front of the fire. I walked closer until I was standing next to her.

I still didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t upset her. No matter how I had tried to explain how I felt to her, it just made her upset.  After several minutes she spoke.

“I went to the doctor today. They said everything looks good.  They suggested that with my past history and age that I take it easy and that I come in every couple weeks to make sure everything is still okay.”

“I’ll do anything you need me to do to help. If there comes a time that you need to go on bed rest, I don’t want you to stress over it. We’ll be okay.”

“What I need for you to do is to stop worrying about what could happen and instead try to be supportive. You know, I’ve got concerns too. I’m over forty too and being pregnant is no picnic at twenty or thirty something. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like this time.” She turned away like she was going to walk away but instead just stood there. I figured that this was my chance to try to talk to her.

“I know that when you told me that you were pregnant it sounded like I was upset. It’s not that I was upset, I was just scared. If someone walked through the door right now and told me that everything was going to be fine, I would be beyond thrilled. I’m still thrilled that we’re going to have another child. I’ve just been scared.” She stood there facing away from me not saying anything.

“Amanda, will you turn around and talk to me, please.” She turned around and I touched her shoulders.

“Sweetheart, I love you.  Please don’t be mad at me. All I want is for you and the baby to be safe. I will do whatever you need me to do…” Before I could even finish she started hugging me.

“I’m so sorry!” She cried. “I know you really didn’t mean that you were upset about me being pregnant. I just didn’t expect that response from you. I honestly thought you’d be happy. I seem to be more emotional this time around and the slightest thing upsets me and gets my imagination going.”

I held her even closer. “It’s okay. I know you’re scared. It will all be okay.” We stood there holding onto each other.  I really hoped that everything would be fine, but I had this bad feeling deep in my gut.

Credits:
Poses:
(Not So) Simple Pose Pack by Skylar
Smile Pose Pack by traelia
11 Poses Do not be sad, baby! by IMHO
12 Poses at Table by Delight 33
Mechanics of Emotion: Melancholy by Delight 33
Third Couples Set by Mypalsim