Chapter Six: Part Two - Blindsided

“Hey, you okay?” Chuck’s voice snapped me out of my thinking.

“Yea. I’m fine.”

“But, you’re crying.”

Was I?

“Oh! Um… I guess I just…”

“We’re you thinking about Johnny?”

I sighed. “Yes. I just feel so bad about how things ended and being here brings back a lot of memories of him.”

“He wouldn’t want you to feel this way, Amanda.”

“How would you know?”

“He didn’t talk to me much about what happened between the two of you but he did say he hoped that you would be happy.”

“I don’t think I’ve been happy since that day. I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt and sadness about the way things ended.”

 

“What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Well, when we first met, there was a connection between us. I tried for a while to deny it, with him being my boss and our age difference. But after he stopped being my boss things changed. We didn’t have to deny our feelings anymore, and when we first started dating it was wonderful! Then, after several months, it was like something was missing. Right about the time that I started thinking about how our relationship had changed, he asked me to travel the world with him. I was shocked! I mean, I cared for Johnny but he was asking me to give up my career and home. He was one of the first people who was nice to me here. He was my friend and mentor. How did I repay him? I chose my career over him which hasn’t been so great since he left.”

“Amanda, you can’t blame yourself for the way things turned out. One of the few things he told me was that he completely understood why you chose to stay here.” He paused for a second, looking down at his feet. When he looked back at me he had a concerned look on his face. “Did…did you love each other?”

I was shocked for a second that he would even ask. Why is it any of his business? But the more I thought about it, I realized it was a valid question.

“I love Johnny. I want him to be happy and care very much for him. But there’s a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. Johnny and I never really talked much about how we felt for each other so I can’t really say for sure how he felt. But he never once told me he loved me and I never said it either. I would guess that his feelings for me were the same. We had an attraction to each other from the moment we first met and enjoyed spending time together.”

“Do you think you both connected so well because you had a lot in common, you know, with him being from the city?”

“Hmm...I’m sure that was part of it. I had such high hopes when I moved here and was not prepared for how I was going to be treated. Maybe a better way to put that is how people would respond to me. It never once occurred to me that people would take issue with me being from the city. Perhaps that was naive of me. It was nice to have someone in my life who I had something in common with. He understood what it was like to be an outsider.”

 

“Is that how you feel? Like you’re an outsider here?”

“Most of the time, yes.”

“Who’s made you feel like that?”

I looked blankly at him. Did he really have no idea after the way he had treated me for a whole year? Especially since he was one of the biggest reasons I felt like an outsider. I didn’t feel like getting into it with him so I looked away and tried to escape. “It doesn’t matter. I’m kind of tired so I think I’ll head to bed.”

“Amanda, why are you trying to get away?” He grabbed my arm to keep me from walking away.

I started to get annoyed. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Why in the world are you getting so defensive?”

“Why am I getting defensive?” I could feel my temper rising up. “You really have no idea, do you? Most people here have at least been civil to me; some even friendly. Sure, some have always looked at me like I’m some silly city girl and will probably always think of me as that. But at least they are straight forward with me and I know where I stand with them.”

“What are you talking about?”

“So you really don’t remember how when I first moved here you and I were on our way to becoming friends and then all of a sudden one day you stopped talking to me. Which was bad enough but then if you ever did grace me by speaking to me you were short, rude, and mean? That doesn’t ring any bells? I had just assumed that all this time that I must have done something to you that caused you to act that way towards me. Was that not it? Then please enlighten me as to why you treated me that way; because I just can’t understand how one minute someone is acting friendly and then the very next moment acting like you’re not worth their time.”

As he stood there listening to me the look on his face changed from questioning, shocked, and then sadness. We stood in silence for what seemed like eternity when he finally looked at me and spoke.

“I…I had no idea. I guess I should have. In some way I was trying to push you away. Not because of anything you did to me. I am so sorry Amanda. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I know that may be hard to believe but I promise you, I wasn’t trying to be mean to you. I was… dealing with something during that time and I wasn’t able to be a very good friend to you then and I didn’t think that I could until recently.”

“What?! That makes absolutely no sense to me Chuck. What in the world are you talking about?”

He took a deep breath. “I couldn’t get close to you. Not because of anything you did, but because of how Johnny felt about you.”

“What does Johnny have to do with how you treated me?” He was making no sense at all. He took another deep breath and looked away from me.

“Because Johnny has always been a good friend to me and I didn’t want to do anything that would jeopardize our friendship. I had to choose between a friendship with Johnny and a…friendship with you. At least that’s the way I felt.”

“What made you think that?”

“Do you remember soon after you moved here you and I were in the lobby at your work talking; Johnny came out of his office and called me over?” I nodded. “He was upset because he thought that I was flirting with you. At the time, I thought he was overreacting, but whether he overreacted or not, I didn’t want to lose my best friend. So I started distancing myself from you. Soon you two started dating and I was scared to even talk to you.”

“Why couldn’t you just explain to Johnny that you didn’t have feelings for me and kept talking to me?”

His eyes locked onto mine and after a pause he spoke. “Because I couldn’t lie to my best friend.”

My heart stopped from the shock of what he had just said. I closed my eyes and tried to wrap my brain around what he had just told me. So he was distant toward me because he had feelings for me?! This makes no sense.

 

“If…I’m understanding what you just said, then I still don’t understand why you didn’t talk to me or were sometimes rude.”

“Because I thought I had to distance myself from you. At first I didn’t think there was anything to Johnny being upset. I really honestly believed he overreacted. I had thought about explaining it to him, but as I saw you and Johnny together more and more, it made me realize that I was fooling myself. And as much as I thought I cared for you, I wasn’t going to do anything to mess up Johnny’s and my friendship. I owed him too much to do that.”

My head was spinning by that point. The man who I thought couldn’t stand me, had or even still did have feelings for me? It was like a strange dream. A really crazy, strange dream. At that point I couldn’t listen to any more.

“Chuck, I…I honestly don’t know what to say right now. I think I need to lie down.” I walked past him and into the bedroom. I needed some time to think about what had just happened.