Chapter Five : All Comes Crashing Down

As Jonny and I continued dating we were spending more time at his house. We liked cuddling on his couch while watching TV…until Chuck came home. Whenever he arrived home, there seemed to be an underlying tension in the room and ever since he and Honey had broken up, he was spending more and more time there. I usually suggested that Johnny and I go and hang out in his room.

 

Johnny seemed oblivious to the tension. He always greeted Chuck when he came home and Chuck would even acknowledge me. But whenever Chuck was around, and Johnny and I were cuddling or kissing, I could sense Chuck tightening up.

Most mornings, I woke up and cooked breakfast. I liked cooking and Johnny seemed to think I was a great cook so I would get up before him and make it. Since Chuck had to be at work early, he was usually around while I was making breakfast. He’d thanked me for the food and then eat by himself. I still didn’t understand why he acted the way he did towards me. Maybe I had said something that offended him. Maybe he was just a jerk. Whatever the case, I was definitely getting tired of his attitude.

Ever since the night that Johnny told me about Chuck and Honey’s relationship I kept having an uneasy feeling. No matter how hard I tried to shake the feeling it just wouldn’t go away. It had become so bothersome to me that even Johnny noticed that something wasn’t right. I kept telling him that nothing was wrong but each time I couldn’t help feeling that there really was something wrong.

I started wondering if my uneasiness was due to some of the comments people made about our relationship; comments about our age difference or the fact that we technically were involved in an office romance. At first the comments didn’t really bother me. I didn’t care that Johnny was 30 years older than me. I didn’t care that he used to be my boss. But after five months of dating, I couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe there was something to the comments about our age difference. When Johnny and I first started dating, we went out and did things. The last couple of months, we mostly spent at his house and when I suggested doing something, he’d nicely say he wanted to stay in. I enjoyed spending time with him but I also didn’t want to spend all my time sitting around.

There was something else that was bothering me. Not once, since we first started dating, did we ever talk about our feelings towards each other. I hadn’t thought much of it until Johnny had made the comment about Chuck and Honey’s relationship. Maybe we were just like them. Sure Johnny and I had feelings for each other but I wasn’t so sure anymore what those feelings were. I cared deeply for him but I just wasn’t so sure that this was what I wanted in a relationship.

Then came the news that changed everything. I was at Johnny’s house one night when he dropped a bomb on me.

“Hey Amanda, I need to talk to you about something.”

“What is it Johnny?”

“Well…I’ve been thinking lately that it would be nice to have a break from the music industry. You know, take some time off and travel. Not have to worry about meeting a song deadline.”

“What do you mean? How long of a break are you talking about?”

“Well, you know, like permanent.”

“You mean retirement?!”

“I guess that’s a way of putting it. What do you think?”

 

I didn’t know what to say. He had caught me completely off guard. I wasn’t going to tell him he shouldn’t do something he wanted. “If it’s something you want to do then you should do it. Where would you go.”

“I had thought about traveling to other countries. See what else is out in the world. But I was hoping it wouldn’t be just me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was hoping you’d come with me.”

I stood there for a moment thinking about what he was asking me to do. He was asking me to give up my career, friends and my dreams to be with him. I cared for Johnny but I didn’t know if I was willing to give up everything for him. Especially since I had been having doubts about our relationship recently.

“Johnny, I don’t…”

“Don’t say anything right now. Just think about it for a while.”

I was completely in shock. I ran home and called my older sister.

“Hey Mand! What’s up?”

“Johnny want’s to retire and travel the world."

“Well that sounds nice for him.”

 

“That’s not it. He wants me to travel with him.”

 

“Oh…wow…are you going to go with him?”

“I…I don’t know. I like spending time with him and he’s a really sweet man. I’ve learned so much from him and I owe him so much.”

“Mand, nowhere in there did I hear that you love him. Do you love him; and what about your career? You’ve just started yours.”

 

I knew she was right. I couldn’t honestly say that I was in love with Johnny, I cared for him. And then there was my career. I couldn’t even begin to think about leaving my career.

“Your right.”

“I’ve been trying to tell you this the whole time you two have been dating. He’s at the end of his career and you’re at the beginning. He’s 30 years older than you. It was bound to cause a problem sooner or later.”

“This is really not a time I want to hear I told you so, Jenn.”

“I’m sorry. If you want to talk some more, give me a call. I promise not to say anything else.”

“Thanks Jenn.”

For the next couple of days I didn’t leave the house; not even for work. Johnny tried to call me many times but I never picked up. I needed time to think about what I was going to say to him. I knew what I needed to do but I just wanted to stay in my home and hide.

The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him. He had come to mean so much to me. He had taught me everything I knew about the music industry and had been a great friend and mentor.

 

I wish Mom and Dad were here! They would know what to do. They had always known what to do.

I could almost hear Mom saying “Sweetheart, you know what’s in your heart. That’s what you need to follow.”

I did know what was in my heart. It was speaking very clearly to me. I picked up the phone and called Johnny.

“Hey Johnny, can I come over?”

“Sure. Are you okay? I’ve been trying to call you.”

“Yeah, I’ve just been thinking. I’ll see you in a little bit.”

“Okay.”

I changed my clothes and headed to Johnny’s house. As I walked up to the front door, Johnny opened it.

 

“Hey Amanda, want to come inside?”

“Actually, Johnny, I think we’d better talk out here.” I didn’t know if Chuck was home and I didn’t want to have this conversation with others around.

“Okay.” He closed the door and stood outside.

“Johnny, I’ve thought a lot about what you asked me the other day. I am so honored that you would want to travel the world with me. And in the beginning we would have a wonderful time. But I can’t help thinking that at some point I would regret giving up my career or dreams I had when I first came here. It’s always been my dream to live in the country, not travel the world. I care for you deeply, but…”

 

“I know. I completely understand, Amanda. You’re just starting out in your career and in life. I’m at the other end. I’m tired of living the life of a music industry businessman. But if someone had asked me 30 years ago to give it all up to travel the world, I would have chosen my career. I was asking a lot of you. I know you care about me and I care deeply for you. We’re just at two completely different points in our lives.”

“Johnny I’m just so sorry.” He pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me.

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault Amanda. We’ve had a wonderful time together and should feel fortunate that we’ve gotten to spend this time together. Think about all the fun and wonderful times we’ve had together.”

“What am I going to do without you? You’re my best friend.” I said looking up at him.

“If you ever need anything, I am only a phone call away. I mean it. Don’t hesitate to call.”

“I don’t know how to thank you for everything you’ve done for me Johnny.”

“You just did.” He smiled at me and wiped my tears away. “You should get going, or you’ll be late for work.”

“I don’t want to go to work. I don’t think I can.”

“Amanda, you can’t keep calling into work. Sooner or later you need to go back.”

I sighed. “You’re right. I’ll see you later then?”

“I’ll be there.”

I got ready for work in a daze. Nothing seemed to matter to me. I paid no mind to how I looked, what I ate, or what was going on around me.

I went to work and found out that there was a group meeting scheduled for soon after I got there. Everyone was wondering what the announcement was going to be. I knew and didn’t know if I had the heart to hear it in front of everyone. About an hour after work started, they gathered everyone for the announcement.

 

The whole thing was a blur for me. As the record exec announced Johnny’s retirement I mostly kept my head down.

 

Even without looking, I could tell that some people were looking at me to see my reaction. I didn’t care. I did manage to look at Johnny a couple of times and he would smile at me.

After the announcement, Johnny asked me to meet him in his office. I waited till everyone cleared out of the lobby and went into his office. When I walked in, he came over and gave me a hug.

“Remember what I said; if you ever need anything don’t hesitate to call me.”

I just shook my head. I knew if I tried to speak I would start crying. “Can I have one last hug?” he asked me.

I walked over to him and we hugged for what felt like an eternity. We both let go and looked at each other.

“Goodbye Amanda.”

“Goodbye Johnny.”

He gave my hand one last squeeze and walked out of his office, out of the building, and I guessed, out of my life.